pirate
Pirates v. Ninjas? Pirates Would Destroy the Ninjas

by Chris Copenshelby's drawing

The pirate is far superior to the ninja. So much so that I don’t even believe this argument needs to be had. But if you really think that ninjas are better, well, then allow me to point out how wrong you are.

Reason 1: Swagger

Pirates aren’t afraid that their enemies will see them. In fact, they welcome it, flying the Jolly Roger so all those who dare to sail the seas can be warned of them. Ninjas hide in the shadows and won’t look their enemies’ eye-to-eye. Ninjas are cowards. Pirates, on the other hand, are all about two things. Swagger and fear.

Pirates like Blackbeard would light their beards on fire, and would arm themselves head to toe with knives, pistols, and swords. Enemies would surrender immediately upon sighting some pirates, too fearful to face them in battle. Pirates drank heavily, gambled extensively and buried gold. How much more swagger can you possibly have?

Pirates defied authority and were fueled by revenge, greed, or both. Entire armadas (huge boat fleets) would be sent out to find the pirates, but most of the time they had no luck. Pirates where such a nuisance to the seas that when captured, they would occasionally be beheaded and their heads hung from somewhere everyone could see. A warning that pirates can’t be tolerated. But did they let that stop them? No. They kept on plundering.

Reason 2: Weaponry

As Indiana Jones once told a Samurai Swordsman after shooting him, “Never bring a knife to a gunfight”. Pirates have guns. And even better, they have cannons. Cannons make things explode. Ninjas have throwing stars and like weird wrist knives things that don’t make any sense. And even if push came to shove and a pirate did have to take a ninja in a swordfight, let’s not forget that pirates where excellent sword fighters as well, taking on crews of enemy vessels after boarding their ships.

Reason 3: Modern Day Influence

Pirates still exist in modern times! They are both on the high seas of Somalia and in modern culture. Pirates have been the basis for a multi-billion dollar film series, the name of a professional baseball team, and more.

So who would win in a fight? A pirate or a ninja? I, personally, would take the pirate side every single time. They have guns. They have cannons. They are excellent sword fighters. They have an entire crew with them. And let’s be honest here, pirates are a tad bit insane.