Donald Trump, Leading Presidential Candidate? You Must Be Joking, Right?
by Chris Copen
Recently a potent combination of Hot Air and Bad Hair has taken over American airwaves. The wig formerly known as Donald Trump is somehow leading in the Republican polls, which sounds more like the party sending a desperate cry for help then a serious move towards the White House. Perhaps most miraculous is the fact that, much like the cartoon character I assumed he was named after, Trump is able find new and exciting ways to hit himself in the head, live on television for our enjoyment.
The list of Trump’s transgressions is longer than the list of buildings with his name on it, and somehow he is able to consistently outdo himself. From telling a female news journalist she had ”blood coming out of her…whatever” to kicking a Latino reporter out a press conference, the fun never ends with Mr. Trump.
Like some kind of Super Villain, Trump appears to feed off the negativity, with poll numbers that only continue to grow. Like a small-town Prom Queen in an 80’s movie, Trump continues to dominate his (her) “subordinates” with a combination of fear and terrible hair.
Much like the rest of the world, students at Walkersville have taken note of Trump. ”He’s a Misogynistic, Hypocritical. Idiot” said Junior Mackenzie Wright.
“Traaaaaaash” noted Janitor Phil Bittner. But perhaps nothing is more offensive about Trump than his hair.
“It looks like the hair on Corn Cobs” remarked senior Claire Raimist.
Many people have pointed at Trump’s dominant run as the frontrunner as proof of the upcoming downfall of the great American Empire, but I take the opposite view. I see Donald Trump as the future of American Politics. A candidate so unlikeable he somehow loops back around to become likeable. The reverse Taylor Swift. In this sense, Trump’s claims of being a trailblazer are abundantly clear. Never before has a candidate TRIED to be offensive. and used the strategy to such great effect. Any time MULTIPLE foreign leaders say “for the love of god, anyone but him”, you know you’re on the right track.
In the future. all candidates will be unlikable human scum. Sort of like it is today, but with candidates being much more open about it. Trump is just the first one to get there, but with Kanye West announcing his upcoming candidacy, God knows he won’t be the last.